I’m Running Away and Never Coming Back

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The thought seared through my head.  It was not my finest day as a mom.  The never-ending snack requests, toys littering the living room floor and clingy baby cries piled up on me. It was soon after a trip back home, and I was really missing my family.  The air conditioner in the car conked out, making several days worth of hot, sticky car rides back and forth to swimming lessons before it would be fixed.  My 5 year old son would not stop trying to pick up the baby and “help him” roll over.  My husband hasn’t been around much because he is working an insane amount of hours. I fell behind on housework between snack times, lunch times, play times, and bedtimes.  I didn’t feel very successful at my job as a stay-at-home mom.

I would never leave my kids.  They are exceptionally loved. I want to be the rock that they lean on, and the one whose example they follow.  I would never leave them.  It’s never okay to leave your children.  I just understand why some women have.  How some women get there.

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I had not taken a break or some time to myself and it buried me.  I really try to be the perfect mom that’s ever-encouraging, finding a lesson in everything, always speaking in a loving sugar sweet voice, while holding fresh baked muffins in one hand and a baby in the other.  I have to somehow get it through my head that I cannot try to be Mary Poppins 24/7 and make it out alive.

I sometimes think that God gets annoyed with me for praying too much.  I know it’s silly.  Oh great, HER again.  But I pray all the time.  In the car.  In bed.  Before breakfast. When I want to yell.  When I want to use biting words.  When I take my kids to a sitter.  When I’m trying to stay awake to see my husband before I go to bed.  In bed again.  Right before I go to sleep.  I fall asleep praying.  I’m always thinking it in the back of my head.  Please Lord God, send me a powershot to get through it. Give me wisdom and grace to handle things well.  It helps in times when my 5 year old asks out of the blue how I got a baby in my tummy.  And when he asked what day God made money.

Phil 4:13  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

I have heard it a zillion times and I repeat it to myself all the time.  When I don’t really want to be the grown up that day and make decisions. I try so hard to do it all by myself and be fantastic.  But that’s when I get into trouble.

I  have worked since I was 14 years old.  I am now 38.  I became a stay at home mom at the beginning of this year.  And I have worked so much harder in these last six months, than I ever did in my 25 years in the work force.  Bar none.

I think the mistakes I made in the beginning of staying home were watching daytime television, not working out and not making the best food choices.  Taking good care of myself physically and spiritually have greatly improved things.  I have a lot more stamina for the long days.  Each day has the same number of hours, but some of them are so LONG, aren’t they?

I sometimes go back and reread  Are You the Good Girl?  because I need the reminders.  That it’s okay.  To give yourself some slack.  It is about Keleah Anderson’s Holy Yoga class experience at our Mom to Mom women’s group at The People’s Church.  It was one of the biggest releases I have ever had, and it was reassurance that I am not alone in this.  Not even close.  And that help, understanding and grace will always be there when I ask for it.  And you better believe I’m going to keep asking for it.

So my boys are stuck with me for the duration whether they like it or not 🙂

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