I didn’t say disloyal. Just crappy. Not there.
I won’t even hide behind the excuse of being busy with kids. I am, but if I really get down to the nitty gritty, in my heart of hearts, I know it would be the same regardless.
A friend of mine sent me this picture recently and it made me soooooo happy.
Born to party. I am on the bottom far right. We were so cool back then.
It was a band trip, circa 1990-ish (Guns and Roses were all the rage) and we stopped by a little photo booth in a shopping mall. We had these buttons made because the more buttons you wore back then, the better.
I’m all about the 90’s, but it wasn’t the cool styles back then that warmed my heart. It is the faces. The adolescent girls. The complicated, note-passing, messy friendships of old.
I’m confident I was the messiest of all. But I had really good friends back then. I took them for granted. And I can say without a doubt that I don’t have a single real-life close friend like that anymore. And it’s my fault.
I am acquainted with many, and I love associating with and talking to people at my church and in the community. I love talking with people on social media. I have die-hard true friends from my childhood that are forever. But I am the queen of arms-length friendships.
Due to past childhood hurts, I have the venus-flytrappiest of all the venus-flytrap hearts. I’m extroverted and social and happy and fun for a limited time, and then I just have to snap that sucker shut for some down time.
It’s hard and it’s sad and it’s lonely, but it’s also one of the hardest habits to break.
I’m sure that I have confused people and made them think that I just didn’t want a friendship with them. And if that’s you, I am truly sorry. It’s just hard for me to be comfortable in close friendships with new people. Or old people. Any people.
Especially after we moved out of state from family. I didn’t realize how hard that was going to be, I think subconsciously I am also afraid to develop intimate friendships, because what if we don’t live here forever?
So what do I do, sit on my duff and feel sorry for myself? That’s the easiest route. But it sure hasn’t worked so far.
So I guess I just take a deep breath, plug my nose and jump in.
I’m trying to use the time I typically use at night to mindlessly scroll through social media-to instead text or talk to people, new and old.
I have wanted to really dig in and devote more time to the groups at my church. I have subbed in to teach in children’s ministry and I assist on cameras in the control room for services and events. I am also on the welcome team for the Mom to Mom women’s group that meets there.
And I am the world’s crappiest greeter. I greet moms and assist them in getting checked in before the sessions. I feel like I’m so awkward, and I hate awkward.
But I imagine it was probably awkward way back when while I first walked in to the classrooms at school.
So as I continue to try and open myself back up to close friendships, I hope to really be there and available as I should be. And maybe I’ll end up with a snazzy new souvenir button or two.
I’m really trying. Blessings to you, friends.